Introduction
"We all have an appointment with ourselves but most of us never show up for it." — Jim Wallace
Your inner world is unique and multi-faceted, just like your history. The way that you experience that place, and your parts, will be unique too. The information to follow was written to support you on that journey, particularly at the start.
You will find your own routes in and through. If you get lost just get curious and compassionate with yourself. Sometimes that is all that is needed. If that's not possible reach out for support. As Weller puts it, "this is a solitary journey that we do not make alone."
In a time of crisis? Richard Schwartz made a video during the covid pandemic. It might be a good resource if you find yourself in current crisis. The video includes two mediations and one parts exercise and it's a nice 'wake-up call' into the work.
What is Self?
"We are not our parts; our parts are not their burdens" — Richard Schwartz
IFS demonstrates that a great resource lies within. This resource is called 'Self' or 'Self energy'. When we connect to this self energy we realise we are more than the sum of our parts AND, simultaneously, that our parts are more than the roles they are playing or the masks that they are wearing. The words below are used to describe Self:
COMPASSIONATE | CURIOUS | CREATIVE | COURAGEOUS | CLEAR | CALM | CONFIDENT | CONNECTED | CHOICE | PRESENT | PERSPECTIVE | PATIENT | PLAYFUL | PERSISTENT
These qualities emerge as a result of doing this work and it is this energy that helps to heal past pain, allowing that person to function more effectively in the world. When one is 'Self-led' parts exist within - in fact they are more known and connect to - but they do not lead. They don't need to lead because they trust Self to lead. Instead, they get to belong and contribute to a safe, thriving inner community.
When I began this work I had parts that questioned Self and what it meant to be 'in Self.' Now I know it's a powerful, personal, supportive form of energy that is always there, like the sunshine behind the clouds. It is only through experience that one is able to know this for sure. Many parts get 'tied up' around this subject so if you are still unsure a simple way of seeing this process is how we become PRESENT with ourselves. I go into this in more detail in my podcast episode River knows this - IFS and constraint to release.
Paradoxically, the clearest route to accessing our Self energy is through connection to parts. Usually these parts need support or have concerns. When we attend to them they teach us what we need to know and often they then step back. Then the sun (Self) is able to shine again and the inner world has a new dimension of colour and clarity because it is more is known and connected to.
The End Game
There's a big difference between knowing our 'maps' (i.e. what happened or what is happening to us) and walking through that territory of our inner worlds (our experience.) Many people spend a large part of their lives being led by parts thinking about, attempting to avoid or wishing they could change their 'story'. They might come to therapy to change the circumstances of their lives, to mend relationships or recreate themselves.
IFS asks something different of us: it is about prioritising connection to your inner life, not bi-passing or seeking to controlling it. Our [hi]story doesn't change when we do this but parts might in time relate differently to their stories. They might not have to hold on to the pain and limiting beliefs of the past and so they can simply be themselves. The system changes. That world might feel quieter, clearer and safer to inhabit.
As each part is met, and as relationships evolve inside, our self energy emerges and this is healing for the system. The inner community grows and parts begin to heal and make clearer choices about who they are individually, what they want as a group and how all this might be expressed in the choices you make as a system and how you relate in the outer world.
IFS is a practise and it strengthens over time. A persons external circumstances can change as they feel more capable, wholesome and hopeful inside. Options become more available to them and choices arise from a place of inspiration instead of fear.
Resource: If you'd like to get a little more of an understanding about why healing is important have a quick listen to Frank Anderson understanding the arc of healing. Anderson is an IFS lead trainer, writer/speaker and neuroscientist.
Crossing the Threshold
Many young parts might not have been shown how to connect safely to themselves or other people. Or perhaps past experience of inner or outer connection was traumatic. For these parts, it makes sense that there might be initial resistance around connection.
Here are some steps to support those parts:
- FIND A GUIDE - therapists are examples of this
- CREATE SAFE SPACE & ROUTINES/RITUALS around connection
- PERMISSION - Do any parts have concerns? If so write them down & bring this to therapy
- NEEDS - Needs are often simple and every time they're met the system is nurtured. All gardens need water to grow.
Concerns Matter
Understanding resistance: any form of resistance means parts of you have summed up the courage to step forward, into your conscious awareness, and speak. This is progress, although it may not feel like it. The more we practise this process of leaning in, the safer our inner world becomes because parts are feeling seen and heard. Here we are LISTENING and NAMING.
Feeling seen and heard makes the biggest difference to parts: Often parts are not what they seem. Through this process of attending to, more space and 'peace of mind' is created. You might find you can think more clearly regarding current life challenges because... you actually can! You are differentiating between parts and finding the woods for the trees on a psychological and physiological level. This can start in very small ways if the prospect feels challenging.
Guided meditations that might be helpful to support connection:
- Inviting a part to speak - Dick Schwartz
- One Part - Dick Schwartz
My podcast episode 'IFS and healing times' also describes ways in which we can support ourselves when we are doing this inner work and why 'a place to go' is important.
If you find that your parts struggle with uncertainty and self doubt you might want to check out my podcast episode on indecision - 'Seek a newer world'
Meeting the Family
"I think we ought to give ourselves more time. We should be more patient with ourselves and with each other." — Maya Angelou
Remember you are getting to know a FAMILY of parts. IFS teaches that trauma pushes our parts into extreme roles. Some parts may be holding the pain (exiles), others will be protecting the system (protectors). Sadly protector parts are often not equipped to hold or protect, having picked up these duties early on in life. They do not know of this 'Self' behind it all. Or they know of it but they don't trust it because it didn't stay when something bad happened.
Where there's pain the stakes are high and each family member holds steadfastly to the positions they've always occupied, so that the system stays safe. Here lies the predicament. Keeping all of this in mind should help you bring an open, curious, gentle heart to what is often a complex experience of relationships within. On a more positive note, when one part is worked with the whole system benefits.
Resources:
- The Parts Mapping Exercise - The purpose of mapping is to identify the parts in our individual systems. It can also serve to identify the relationships between parts. Try this if you'd like to learn more about your inner family.
- Extreme roles and addiction - in my other podcast episode - 'Find a way home' - I explore the subject of addiction and how inner dynamics play out there!
- Work in therapy - ask your therapist if you can meet your parts in group - around a camp fire or in a board room - and see what happens
Respecting Who Shows Up & Dealing with Overwhelm/Backlash
In IFS therapists respect protectors deeply. These parts are working hard, with limited tools and they always have good intentions. At the same time, they are often coming from a position of fear and pain so their truth may not be the whole truth of the matter. It is still important that each perspective is heard if you wish to travel deeper to heal the pain.
BACKLASH - In complex systems this can happen quite frequently. You might connect to one part and what follows might be a sense of overwhelm or frustration/anger. Don't panic if this happens; it's all about the u-turn. Go inside, address the concern, meet it if you can and bring it to the next session with your therapist. A part may have been ignored or some key piece of information might have been missed. See it as an opportunity to get closer to yourself and speak for your parts. Having the courage to connect and speak for these moments can be very transformative.
OVERWHELM - Often protectors are worried that going inside will lead to emotional or physical overwhelm i.e. they fear the exiles will escape those prison gates and flood the system. This makes sense as when we touch on pain, or bring things into conscious awareness, it can be overwhelming. You can always ask a part not to overwhelm you or to give you some space, before you engage with it. This sounds strange but it has always worked, in session and outside of session. Reach for the qualities of Self during these times.
SLOW DOWN: Going slowly is also a great top tip. We don't rush healing because we want it to last - "slowly, slowly we get there fast."
LOOK BACK TO THE C'S OF SELF: Bringing some playfulness and curiosity to these experiences can help too. If we are deeply flooded with emotion compassion is paramount to finding balance again. All good things take time.
Resource: Guided meditations can support the work, especially if parts are feeling very triggered or if there is a lot of inner tension. Insight Timer has a range of IFS informed meditations.
Speaking For, Not From, Our Parts
One sign that we are becoming Self led is when we can speak for, not simply from, our parts. It often takes tremendous courage to speak for our parts but when they hear that they are being spoken for they feel loved and safe. Yet again something changes inside, moving towards a greater sense of wholeness, security and well being.
Speaking for might involve approaching family, friends or even your therapist during a relational challenge. Get clear about what your part needs to express, create space between you and the part first (through attending to) and focus on 'part of me feels/felt' statements or 'part of me needed/needs' wherever possible.
Remember we are all in part a lot of the time so it's easy to hurt each other but it is the way that things are resolved (the repair/u-turn) that makes all the difference. And, when others cannot understand or take responsibility for their part in what has happened your parts might still feel hugely consoled because YOU were present with them and spoke up for them. The more you are able to apply the qualities of Self energy to your own humanity the more likely you will be able to comfortably exist alongside the challenging parts of others.
Resource: It can be a challenge to speak for our parts, particularly in romantic relationships. To learn more about this check out my podcast episode 'You are the one'.
After Unburdening
It's common for the system to need time to adjust, particularly when big shifts occur. If parts do choose to let go of experiences and beliefs some times it follows that they feel tired, that grief is present or other parts feel uncertain. More often than not, this is a really good sign. Sometimes we also awaken other exiles, in the next layer, when others are set free but there is more capacity to hold that now.
Needless to say what really matters is maintaining that Self to part relationship and staying curious and compassionate with yourself. This means staying in regular contact with the parts that have been worked with, particularly in those first 90 days. Not only does this strength the new pathways that have been forged in the brain but it demonstrates a continued commitment to wholeness and integration. When we do this the gifts begin to emerge.
Looking for the Gifts
"Gifts are a consequence of authenticity; when we are being true to our natures, the gifts can emerge." — Frances Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow
Every part you meet along the way is valuable. Their intention is always good, even if they appear bad, disruptive or dangerous in some way. The behaviour is a mask/role; it certainly isn't all that they are. IFS is not supporting destructive or hurtful actions. But in this work we are trying to understand the intention that stands behind that behaviour and trusting that that intention is good. Discovering each new inner perspective, learning to honour that, sets in motion a really positive change in the system. Once these parts are known and understood dramatic shifts can occur.
Often there are diamonds in the rough: huge treasures and attributes within each part that are waiting to be found and integrated into your life. Parts that were once seen as 'critics' become astute confidants. Parts that you previously experienced as overwhelming become nourishing sources of courage, beauty, wisdom and love within; the bad guys become the superheroes. These changes come as we allow parts to be seen and heard and when they trust us to help them let go of pain and dysfunctional role playing. When one part is seen or unburdened the system shifts profoundly as a whole. In this sense, even small act of connection can make a huge difference.
This Isn't Mine
I will be writing in more detail on this in future posts but if you want to explore legacy burdens and heirlooms listen to this podcast episode or check out the meditation here. Robert Falconer has also written a great book exploring unattached burdens.
Resources:
- It might help to keep in mind what an unburdening system can look like
- For further reading check out Richard C. Schwartz, PhD No Bad Parts
