Healing and self-creation

I recently completed my level 3 with Chris Burris. This post is about some of the things I learned in that training - specifically things that I feel might be relevant to the healing process for you the client.

“show me all the parts of you that you do not love so i know where to begin.” ― Ava

IFS is a constraint > release model

We can be constrained by fear and shame. The work is about slowly releasing these constraints.

Two things stand out for me with this idea

• the work should feel like meeting tension and slowly releasing it

• It’s not uncommon to experience this release and then for there to be a response in the system (or the body) taking us back to constraint

Returning to constraint is the systems way of maintaining balance and showing us where we need to go next. In this sense healing can feel a bit strange.

The pathways in our brains are also changing. As the system changes it can feel like stepping into and swimming in the unknown, waiting to come up for air, coming up and then going deeper.

Having the expectation that it’s a slow opening up and that it can feel like you are going 'back and forth' might be helpful. It’s a bit like being confined to a small dark room all your life and then slowly finding a way out into the sunshine. Adjustment is needed.

And it’s completely natural that locked doors, once opened, might swing back into place because the breeze is finally coming in…We are not trying to stop those doors from doing what they have been doing all this time. Perhaps at some point they might want to do it less or do something else…But something is changing when we let the air in.

Healing is an act of self-creation

The idea that the work is really about self-creation is a lovely one. My experience is that this creative process is never-ending, always beginning and gradually our parts become more and more open to this way of working as they begin to experience real transformation.

Seeing this work as SELF-creation also gives us autonomy. Most arrive in therapy feeling disempowered, often regarding some life challenge. Perhaps we didn’t have choices as children, we made the 'wrong' ones or we feel that we took the route that was expected of us… In this work we find choices. This is exciting!

Never-ending always beginning

Here is an illustration I made to show you what this journey might look like.

Tools for the journey

• Agreements

Agreements allow our parts to feel safe. It’s kind of like - “be careful that way”, “we aren’t ready to go to that hilltop yet”. Of course these contracts can change, and often they do but holding ourselves to that (as client AND therapist) roots us.

• Intentions

Intention setting puts something onto that blank page. It strikes the first match and, if we are so inclined to believe it, it tells the universe “this is what I want.” If we do get lost out there in the open wide this is something we can return to.

Intention also becomes relevant when we reach the end of the journey and we are integrating our experience and seeing whether it has changed our outer life. Sometimes we are making brave choices at that point. Looking back at what we intended can really show us how far we have come and remind us what was important to us at the start of this journey.

• Going slow and returning to the body

If something powerful is happening we are not going to bypass the part or push it away. What we need to do is slow things down. In this sense the work can't be rushed and when it feels like it is it's time to pause, stay connected, remind that part that you are here, and so is your breath and so are your feet on the floor etc. This is a bit like grounding but not with the intention to push away/bypass the part. You aren't stopping the work, but it's time to slow down.

Moving the body between sessions, particularly after an unburdening, can be really beneficial. I have found that the work isn't fully complete until I move the energy through and out of my body. This doesn't need to be complicated - find something you enjoy and are comfortable with (running, free movement, dancing, yoga, stretching, climbing.) I really like Giten Tonkovs Biopic Breathwork (specifically for releasing trauma and experiencing the felt sense.) Gentle rocking, drinking a nice warm cup of tea, laughter on a good walk with a friend or a massage might be more your thing.

Co-consciousness

The more parts we involve in this creative process the more abundant the outcome. But protectors may feel differently about this. If the system has been repressed since forever it’s challenging to build internal relationships and a relationship with Self. The therapist becomes crucial for this ongoing  process of reuniting parts and Self. But the aim is co-consciousness where a sense of wholeness is achieved through inner communion. Mariel Pastor has a lovely diagram showing what it looks like when the system is cooperative.

Everybody has self energy

People have plenty it’s just not always in or towards themselves. This is why going slow is important. And when we can’t access Self remember it’s in the parts.

The storyteller that never got heard

“Mum had loads of emotions but didn’t let me have any.”

We get to therapy and some one is finally listening. So often a storytelling part - the one who has sat there, day after day for decades, patiently watching things unfold - now she is finding a voice and she doesn’t want to step back and let the others come in because they don’t understand. ..The only problem is that 30 mins into the session she’s still talking. (I’ve found myself here many times.)

Let’s send compassion to these parts of us. Perhaps they can have more space outside of the therapy session (painting, journalling or just communicating with you.) Or perhaps some kind of agreement can be made that will allow them to have a voice in the work without taking up all the work? My storytelling part needed more contact with me so that she didn’t have to work so hard in therapy and she needed time to let go. That happened and she’s still marvellous and still on the sidelines if I ever need clarification.

Flashbacks are parts calling for help

I remember having my first flashback and parts were frightened that I was unravelling. Chris emphasised that this is simply parts communicating with us. Maybe they can tap us on the shoulder instead of screaming in our dreams but when we see it as something productive - where the intention is good but the means might be difficult to receive - then there is a way forward.

Burdens are always connected to love

The point was actually that legacy burdens specifically are always connected to love but it felt right to make it broader. Love can be clarifying for parts that find working with burdens/wounds heavy and hard. If we know love is in there, somewhere, even if it is just a wish for love, then we can follow the breadcrumbs of that. A treasure will be found somewhere on that journey, amid the pain and darkness, and that treasure will have something to do with love.