"The past must learn to bury its dead." — C.S. Lewis
There are moments in life that take something from us. Moments that overwhelm, shock, or silence us. In these moments, parts of us split off, retreat, or freeze to protect our survival. This is not a failure; it is intelligence.
Many people come to therapy describing a sense of distance from themselves or experiences like:
- "I feel disconnected."
- "Something in me is missing."
- "I'm here, but I don't feel fully alive."
- "Part of me shut down years ago."
In psychological terms, we might call it dissociation, fragmentation, or emotional withdrawal. In IFS language, we call it parts slipping out of connection with our Self. In many cultures and traditions, this is described as a loss of spirit, essence, or soul energy. Whatever words we use, the experience is the same: something went away... and something is longing to return. This is the power of shame. IFS and hypnosis offer powerful pathways for letting go of shame so that we have space inside to call the spirit back and restore our parts.
Shame is one of the heaviest emotions the human system can carry. It collapses us inward, freezes our expression, disconnects us from the body (especially the heart) and convinces us that we are fundamentally flawed.
Back in the days when we were cave men if we got sick we were likely left in that cave to die alone. No one else wanted to get sick so the group moved on without us. Somewhere in our genetic memory is that memory of being deserted when we need help the most, or likely many memories. In that cave a fear of shame was helpful. It allowed us to survive. If you thought you were sick - for shame's sake - it is highly likely that you would hide the wound or spot of puss or insect bite. You would make yourself look really big, really smart and really strong. You would have lots of children, kill off enemies, be really kind, get ahead, hoard some of the chestnuts, go to war. These are all protective strategies to avoid shame. Either they are preventing further shame or trying to diminish the shame that has been exposed and they all make sense then... and now to some degree.
Similarly, a child absorbs the emotional atmosphere they grow up in. When there is chaos, abuse, neglect, secrecy, or emotional abuse/abandonment, the child instinctively assumes responsibility. They carry the shame that belonged to the environment — to other people's wounds, behaviours, mistakes, and unhealed histories. It is also believed even if we had a fantastic childhood that we can carry wounds and shame from the collective experience - cultural and family legacy - and this can shape us too.
In therapy, a remarkable truth often emerges: the shame people carry is rarely theirs. More often, it was given to them. Moreover, it is the strategies to protect from shame that create more suffering in the present. It's these two things that we are working with in IFS therapy - awareness of our protective strategies and the release of beliefs and painful feelings that connect to shame.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and clinical hypnosis both offer pathways for releasing this inherited shame and allowing the past to "bury its dead," so it no longer animates the present. We can still hold on to the heirlooms of the past, and the necessary lessons that kept us alive and thriving but it becomes possible to let go of the rest.
Shame as an Inherited Burden: What Parts Carry
In IFS, shame is understood as a burden. A burden is a belief, emotion, or imprint that a part took on because it had no other choice at the time. Shame-burdened parts often carry messages like:
- "I must be the problem."
- "If I were better, this wouldn't have happened."
- "It's my fault they were angry / unpredictable / distant."
- "Something about me is wrong."
These beliefs do not arise from a child's nature — they arise from the child's exposure. Children cannot conclude that the adults around them were struggling, wounded, or limited so they conclude that they must be. And so parts of the system take on the shame of others, believing that carrying it will keep the family stable, keep conflict down, keep love intact, or keep the child/system safe.
The Past Must Learn to Bury Its Dead
This phrase, from C.S. Lewis's The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, reflects a profound truth: what belongs to the past must be allowed to stay in the past, instead of haunting the present system. But parts do not simply "let go" because they should. They let go when:
- They feel understood
- They are no longer alone with what they're carrying or stuck in that past experience
- The system becomes a safe place for them to release the burden
- They finally see the truth of what happened
- They can integrate the gifts from back then
IFS does this through a compassionate, curiosity-led connection with exiles. The goal is not to erase history — but to unhook the present from the emotional debris of the past, restoring parts into the here and now.
IFS: Returning Shame to Its True Origin
In IFS, healing shame involves:
1. Witnessing — The part is met with tenderness and presence, as it shows what it believed and how it felt at the time. When the exile is witnessed with compassion, something shifts. The shame begins to be seen for what it is: a burden that was put on the child.
2. Truth-telling — Parts often discover truths they couldn't see then:
- "This wasn't about me."
- "They were struggling with their own pain."
- "I wasn't the cause."
- "I was only a child."
3. Retrieval — This is the moment when the past begins to bury its dead — when what truly belongs to history is recognised as history and left behind.
4. Unburdening — The part is invited to release the shame in whatever symbolic way fits: through breath, light, imagery, movement, or ritual. Shame lifts. The nervous system decompresses. The exile becomes free to be who it actually is.
5. Integration — The part returns with new qualities — confidence, playfulness, worthiness, clarity. And the system reorganises around truth rather than inherited self-blame.
Hypnosis: Opening the Door to Deep Release
Hypnosis complements this process because it allows the conscious mind to soften its grip and lets deeper layers of the system speak. This is always done with consent.
In a hypnotic state, shame-heavy parts often:
- Show themselves more easily
- Reveal the moment the shame was taken on
- Access symbolic imagery that accelerates release
- Receive corrective emotional experiences
- Update to present-day reality
This is not suggestion-based therapy; it's facilitative. Hypnosis simply creates a quiet inner environment where parts feel safe enough to let go. Where the principles of IFS provide the rules for safety and connection and hypnosis supports the conditions.
When Shame Falls Away, What Emerges?
When a person relinquishes the shame of others, several shifts occur:
- The body feels lighter
- The voice becomes clearer
- Boundaries feel more natural
- Embodied confidence returns
- Self-criticism softens
- The body stops bracing for old impacts
- Relationships become more authentic and feel safer
- Self-worth stops depending on performance or perfection
- We start dreaming authentically
- We get stuff done with ease
- The system becomes more right-sized, internally connected, and self-led
- Most importantly, the person no longer walks through life carrying beliefs that were never theirs.
Healing Is Not Amnesia — It Is Reclaiming Ownership of Self
To help the past "bury its dead" is not to deny what happened. It is to allow the emotional residue to be released, instead of it living on inside us. If we pass these burdens back to their source we are finally granting them freedom to heal at the root and allowing our parts freedom to live and grow independently again.
In IFS and hypnosis, clients learn:
- This shame was never mine
- I do not have to carry the emotional inheritance of others
- I can honour the past without letting it govern me
- I can move through life from Self — grounded, open, and free
When shame is released, the Self can rise — not as a role, not as a performance, but as a quiet, steady truth. This is the liberation at the heart of the work: to live from who you are - in contact with all the gifts from our past life, in touch with everything that is meaningful to you but without the pain, shame and beliefs that no longer serve you.
The more work one does around this the more one realises that letting go of things is never-ending always beginning, not because something is wrong but because this is the nature of life and something to be embraced if we want a full life.
For further exploration see my podcast episode 'Becoming real - IFS and healing times'.
