Getting to know you

Nov 23, 2022

Exploring self energy

‘And when love speaks, the voice of all the gods makes Heaven drowsy with the harmony.' William Shakespeare

In IFS, one of the greatest resources we have exists within us. This resource is called Self. Words below are used to describe Self:

The sense is, when we embody these qualities we are accessing our Self energy. IFS teaches that it is this energy that helps us to heal our past pain and to function more effectively in the world.

When we are ‘Self-led' our parts exist within us but they do not lead. They don’t need to because they trust Self to lead. Instead they get to belong and contribute to a safe, thriving inner community.

Pipe-dream? Why not start with discovering what brings out these qualities in you? Or ask yourself: “how might I embody these qualities in my interactions today?” Then see what happens when you do.

When I began this work keeping it simple helped. I had parts that questioned Self and what it meant to be ‘in Self.’ Now I know it's a powerful, personal, supportive form of energy that is always there, like the sunshine behind the clouds. We know it when we feel it and our parts know it too. But like water the concept is hard to grasp. It is only through experience that we are able to know for sure.

Paradoxically, the clearest route to accessing our Self energy is through being present with our parts. Usually these parts want to be known or have a concern. When we attend to them they teach us what we need to know and often they then step back. Then the sun is able to shine again.

Connecting inside

‘Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.’ Rumi

The adventure begins:

There’s a big difference between knowing our ‘maps’ (i.e. what happened to us) and walking through that territory, discovering what it actually looks and feels like.

Most of us have spent a large part of our life thinking about, attempting to avoid or wishing we could change our stories, and in turn re-create our maps.

In IFS we are guided to do something totally different. We are encouraged to walk through the territory of our hearts, with an open mind, so that we might find treasures there and set free old pain. This journey is far more abundant and rewarding in the end, but it feels perilous at times. It can be scary for our parts as it can involve a lot of unknowns.

Many of us were not shown how to connect safely to ourselves in this way.

Here are some steps that helped me begin…

COMMIT to connecting inwards with a Self-led approach
BUILD TRUST with & come to understand the parts you find there
SEW SEEDS OF LOVE in places that may not have seen the light for years

Getting to know troubled parts:

It may be hard to feel curious, compassionate or courageous when you start doing this work. The good news is any form of resistance means parts of you have stepped forward, into your conscious awareness, and they need attention. This is progress, although it may not feel like it. The more we practise this process of leaning in, the safer our inner world becomes and life, in turn, gets easier. Try….

Inviting a part to speak - Dick Schwartz and One Part - Dick Schwartz

The main thing is we are consciously approaching our peopled, inner worlds and getting used to LISTENING and NAMING what we discover.

Feeling seen and heard makes the biggest difference to our parts. Often our parts are not what they seem. Through this process of attending to, we get more space and more peace of mind. We might find we can think more clearly regarding current life challenges. It all starts with relating differently to ourselves.

Encountering challenges

‘I think we ought to give ourselves more time. We should be more patient with ourselves and with each other.’ Maya Angelou

Remember you are getting to know a FAMILY of parts

Most of us encountered trauma at some point in our past. IFS teaches that trauma pushes our parts into extreme roles. Some parts may be holding the pain (exiles), others will be protecting the system (protectors). Where there’s pain the stakes are high and each family member holds steadfastly to the positions they’ve always occupied, so that the system stays safe.

Families have a habit of blaming one ‘bad part’ or creating one victim in order to keep the narrative digestible. It’s usually a lot more complicated than that.

Sadly, as with a lot of families, our parts are often not equipped to hold or protect, having picked up these duties early on in life. They do not know of this ‘Self’ behind it all. Or they know of it but they don’t trust it because it didn’t stay when something bad happened.

Keeping all of this in mind should help us bring an open, curious, gentle heart to what is often a complex system of relationships within. On a more positive note, when one part is worked with the whole system benefits.

Respect who shows up

In IFS we respect our inner protectors deeply. They’re working hard, with limited tools and often they have a point. Don’t push through what seems to be in the way. Instead, welcome these parts in session, with people you trust or alone (in Self).

When we push through our protectors we often experience BACK LASH (e.g. if we ignore an inner plea to rest, in favour of doing a bit more inner work, or when we speak our truth to someone untrustworthy - because we really want the issue resolved - we might find we get sick, sudden anxiety or feelings of self loathing crop up out of nowhere.) Whatever feelings we were ignoring become more extreme inside or another feeling comes in to counteract it. Essentially, we stopped listening and our protectors stepped into action.

Unfortunately things can escalate from there and the parts that sit behind these protectors (our exiles) flood the system. Don’t panic if this happens; it’s all about the u-turn. Go inside, address the concern and/or attend to the feelings that have come up and plan to approach things differently next time. See it as an opportunity to get closer to yourself.

Connect to your parts with compassion and curiosity and ask the parts involved: “what do you need in this moment?”. Often the answers come quickly, and clearly, if we take the time to listen.

How to prevent overwhelm

Often our protectors are worried that going inside will lead to emotional or physical overwhelm i.e. they fear our exiles will escape their prison gates and flood the system. This makes sense as when we touch on pain, or bring things into conscious awareness, it can be overwhelming.

You can always ask a part not to overwhelm you or to give you some space, before you engage with it. This sounds strange but it has always worked, in session and outside of session, for me and many others.

Engaging with a little space between you and the part allows the pain to move through and the parts to feel witnessed at the same time. Reach for the qualities of Self during these times.

Practising patience and getting support

Going slowly is also a great top tip. Bringing some playfulness and curiosity to these experiences can help too. If we are deeply flooded with emotion compassion is paramount to finding balance again. All good things take time. We don’t rush healing because we want it to last. My supervisor says it like this: “slowly, slowly we get there fast.”

Reach for outside resources too (- see my resources post for info on podcasts, books, videos and workshops.) IFS has a strong community now so there may be free community meet ups near you or online forums. When I started using this language in a group setting my healing and sense of Self really grew.

Speaking for, not from, our parts

One sign that we are becoming Self led is when we can speak for, not simply from, our parts. It often takes tremendous courage to speak for our parts but when they hear that they are being spoken for they feel loved and safe. Yet again something changes inside, moving towards a greater sense of wholeness, security and well being.

Speaking for might involve approaching family, friends or even your therapist during a relational challenge. Get clear about what your part needs to express, create space between you and the part first (through attending to) and focus on ‘part of me feels/felt’ statements or ‘part of me needed/needs’ wherever possible.

Remember we are all in part a lot of the time so it’s easy to hurt each other but it’s the way we resolve what happens that makes all the difference. And, when others cannot understand or take responsibility for their part in what has happened our parts still feel hugely consoled because you were present with them and spoke up for them.

Equally, the more we are able to apply the qualities of Self energy to our own humanity the more likely we will be able to comfortably exist alongside the parts of others. We will feel ok to apologise for ourselves when later we see that parts of us took over in that moment too.

Looking for the gifts

‘Gifts are a consequence of authenticity; when we are being true to our natures, the gifts can emerge.’ Frances Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow

Every part you meet along the way is valuable. Their intention is always good, even if they appear bad, disruptive or in the way. This is not about supporting destructive or hurtful behaviour; it is about trying to understand what intention stands behinds that behaviour and appreciating that another means of fulfilling that intention must be found if you want the part to stop doing what it is doing.

Discovering each new inner perspective, and honouring that, sets in motion a really positive change in the system. Once known and understood dramatic shifts can occur.

Often there are diamonds in the rough: huge treasures and attributes within each part that are waiting to be found and integrated into your life. Parts that were once seen as ‘critics’ become astute confidants. Parts that you previously experienced as overwhelming become aspects of nourishing strength and wisdom within you; the bad guys become the superheroes.

These changes come as we allow parts to be seen and heard and when they trust us to help them let go of pain and dysfunctional role playing. When one part is seen or unburdened the system shifts profoundly as a whole. In this sense, even small acts of connection can make a huge difference.

Remembering the bigger picture

“We are not our parts; our parts are not their burdens” - Richard Schwartz

It might help to keep in mind what an unburdening system can look like…

Never-ending. Always beginning. Good luck