Kindle my heart

The universe has an abundance of resources. These resources are like logs on the fire: they help us grow our own light, they kindle our hearts, they soften our bones and they allow us to see the world as it really is. Alongside working with a therapist, here are some tips for resourcing and kindling the heart.

Are you in a panic station?

We may be operating from a place of fight, flight or freeze, or be very used to living in these panic station states. Parts of us might think they are seeing things clearly. In reality it’s very difficult to think or feel clearly when you are in a panic station. All we can focus on is this giant bear running towards us, even if that bear no longer exists. Noticing when we move into these states is half the battle. Next we can find ways of resourcing ourselves to feel better. (If you want to learn more about our different nervous states, and how this can relate to parts work, check out this video here.)

Become open to receiving

Our means of escape from these uncomfortable spaces often involves surrendering to support. Perhaps right now you are living by candlelight or sitting in the darkness. Maybe in the past your parts had no real resources either, other than themselves, and so they became mistrustful of outside help. The good news is support is still here. The 'other news' is we have to become open to receiving that support.

If we want an issue in our lives to be resolved we need to line up with the solution. This often involves moving from a position of fear to a position of inspiration. Help is often needed for this shift. Through small acts of self care and love, and as we co-regulate and accept guidance from others we begin to build bridges to new possibilities and new states of being.

Here's a lovely meditation on becoming open to receiving on insight time.

Discover freedom in the unknown

Fear knocked at the door, faith answered, and no one was there. " Old Irish Proverb

I was so afraid of things staying the same at one time in my life. But I was also afraid of change. I didn't believe I could change and I couldn't envision what it would look like or how I would exist in the world. Whilst we often come to therapy wanting something to be different, our parts may be afraid of change. Even our brains try and keep us in these learnt patterns of behaviour. It feels safer somehow because it is known. But the solution is not going to be found in the knowings of the mind. At some point me we must return to, and draw on, the wisdom of the heart.

Our hearts have a strange sense that all possibilities lie in those uncertain spaces yet to be discovered: whether this looks like us getting to know a part that has long been exiled or doing a new activity in our every day life or making different choices…Some thing magical happens when we explore new experiences, new ideas and when we take leaps into great unknowns.

Faith is often needed, whatever that looks like to you. There's a lovely meditation about freedom in the unknown on insight timer here.

The power of the felt sense

Every time we send a breath to ourselves we are healing. It’s easy to be enchanted by big moments of healing in session but this work is also about slowly and powerfully helping you to resource on your own. It could involve movement, breathwork or meditation. What we are really looking for is the experience of the felt sense.

Many of us have not experienced ourselves in this way before. It is a great way of beginning and completing the work. I'm a fan of Biodynamic Breathwork. You might find it by singing a lullaby to your baby, walking in nature, exercising, stroking the dog or even tidying up your home.

If it feels safe to do so just allow yourself to be in your body today - moving, breathing, being present! Try experiencing what it means to be you outside of your stories and see how this feels.

What will help you to be brave?

This work sometimes requires courage. We don’t often ask ourselves what we need in order to make brave choices or take brave steps.

Why not ask yourself

"what do I need here that will allow me to explore the unknown territories of my inner world."

Or

"what do I need so that I might be open to new ways of being or new life choices?"

Create a safe haven; use rituals and touchstones

Items and spaces can ground us and nourish us. Taking care in our spaces and allowing ourselves this form of self-expression can be really beneficial during times of healing. It also helps us move energy around.

Equally, creating rituals around our experiences - e.g lighting a candle in the morning and remembering a part we have recently connected to- strengthens new pathways in the brain, making connection more meaningful and allowing our parts to feel seen in the present moment.

Humans have always done this. We danced around the campfire, releasing tension in the body and perhaps trauma too. Creating healing circles, safe havens, rituals and touchstones are just old, other ways we have learnt to help ourselves.

Try acceptance

Acceptance doesn't mean accepting bad behaviour, inside or outside of ourselves. We still have the ability to create boundaries and hold people accountable. It certainly doesn't mean blaming ourselves when something isn't working the way that we want it to, although often parts will do this with the best intentions. Acceptance is about accepting life as it really is. It might also mean being open to the idea that the universe is working for your highest good here, even when something is a struggle.

Often feelings of sadness can come in when we begin to accept. Parts may feel concerned that they have lost or failed. Acceptance is a key stepping stone for growth and transformation. But grief may come up too.

It might be a comfort to know that those feelings of loss have always been there inside. Bringing them into our conscious awareness gives them a chance to be expressed and finally set free.

Join forces inside

Acceptance can also look like giving up the fight or putting the gun down within. Parts that had clear ideas about their roles in the internal drama might need to reassess their narrative - "I'm the good guy (e.g. loving parent/wellness enthusiast)and he's the bad guy (critic/addict.)"

Everyone inside, as well as everyone outside of ourselves, may not be what they seem. These 'bad guys' might also want to belong, they might also have suffered and be holding pain. They might also hold a point of view that would be beneficial for mutual healing. When we stopping fighting and instead join forces something powerful happens.

Here, not only are we beginning to accept the world and other people 'as is', we are also beginning to accept ourselves, our parts, as they are. This is a journey to wholeness after all. Love has space to come in then and positive shifts begin to occur as it becomes safer and more united inside.

Look out for the glimmers

"Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. " Leonard Cohen

Deb Dana (the queen of Polyvagal Theory) describes a glimmer as a spark of ventral energy. This energy can help move us from panic station mode into a place of calmness and clarity. These Glimmers are a reminder that the nervous system can hold both dis-regulation or dis-ease and regulation or ease. Examples might be: getting clarity around a problem, seeing beauty in your environment or another person, giving hope to someone else. Look for glimmers today.

Stillness in the storm

If you are getting triggered it might be useful to remind yourself that you are here, in this room, with your feet on the floor and you are safe…At the same time, if it feels ok, remain open to connecting to parts that are somewhere else and maybe not feeling great. The feelings are here, the parts holding past pain might be here, you sense them but you are also observing and acknowledging the now. Thus you are holding both realities.

Perhaps ask any triggered parts if they are happy where they are and if not ask them to show you where they would rather be and place them there. I have found imaginary healing spaces - such as a campfire, a pool, a forest or the clouds, where parts can relax together, and process together, also really helpful. (We can do all this whilst we are emptying the dishwasher. :)

Here's another lovely mediation from Sarah Oben about stillness in the storm.

Understand post traumatic growth

“However many years she lived, Mary always felt that 'she should never forget that first morning when her garden began to grow'.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

Think about healing trauma as a way of tapping into an unintegrated wealth of parts, a pool of wisdom, that cannot be accessed until our burdens are released.  In this sense healing is a process of restoration.

As we come to know ourselves deeply, and as we gently clear and let go of things, we have space to grow. The pathways in our brains change; everything feels more wholesome and lush inside. The outside world begins to change in turn, as we relate to it differently.

We find our own secret gardens and, when it feels safe to do so, we turn the lock. We let in the light, we clear the brambles, sometimes we speak to the shadows, sometimes we get nipped by thorns but through this process our internal world begins to flourish. As with any restoration it looks different at different times so patience and perseverance is required.

Resourcing ourselves helps us to prepare to go to, work in and cultivate our secret gardens. We can get through a lot with these precious stones in our pockets. At some point the fires in our hearts begin to burn brightly again, fuelling us to move forward in to deeper knowings.